My hand turned me down
I play with my boobs when I'm bored. I playwith my nipples whe I'm drunk
If I could pick any std, I would pick genital herpes. Seriously. Have you seen the commercials? The lady is riding a fucking bike, swimming, and on a date. I have a perfectly fine vag and all I do is go to the library.
so i replaced his speed with my ped egg shaveings
dont u have athletes foot?
i can hardly tell the difference between falling asleep and passing out anymore
I took a few sips of my hugeee bottle of liquid Vicodin and smoked my one hitter and now I'm going thru my attic like Indiana Jones
Was behind a guy going 20 for 4 miles I'll be there as soon as the universe quits fucking me
I can never go back to Jacksonville. We think I may have punched a child in the face while on acid...
Watching elf, eating a tub of ice cream, and coming to terms with the fact that I haven't had sex in 5 months. Happy fucking holidays.
I'm glad that even though we are states apart our whorish hearts beat as one
That's not as bad as watching a dumb ass drunk peeing into your window fan -
Pandora was on point with the sex music tonight
Don't forget to grab a pregnancy test and sloppy joe mix for tonight
We'll just play naked Twister, the rest will take care of itself
"Plot twist... I'm straight."
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