I caught myself masturbating while watching a baseball game today. It was over before I realized what was going on. And then I was just confused.
Having sex with her was like reading the Wall Street Journal.
He went bowling in his bathroom.. And shattered the toilet.
wore my lacy blue thong that says "hello there" across the front today for my gynecologist appointment. I live to make people uncomfortable
Hey start looking around for a low rider Subaru. Well get a loan. It will be capital for our first music video.
He said it was fake. Like really? Hey baby, I wanna sleep with you, so here's a picture of a fake tiny dick
I haven't been hungover in so long I'm actually looking forward to it
I'm sorry for aggressively singing the Frasier theme song at you so many times last night.
So last night I turned down multiple drinks because "I didn't want to hold them". It's time reevaluate my decisions
I just gargled with NyQuil
Pretty sure one of my drivers stopped to get laid while he was delivering a pizza. Is it appropriate to give him a write-up AND a high-five?
Made out with some dude at the bar last night. Was fun until he thought bohemian rhapsody was by The Who
Stop fucking Sharon's exes.
Sorry it took me so long to reply. I was fucking Sharon's ex.
i texted "amiibo vore" to my insurance agent instead of someone else. do you think they'll raise my rates out of disgust?
I just had a morning three-some with marijuana and a detachable shower-head
Randomize
