Another f*ing night of vodka youporn and xanax. I need to get a goddamn life
3 great things that go great together... But not on a Friday night. Perfect on say... a Tuesday.
i now know from two sources i am better at making out and giving head than she is. and not by a little either.
so he just called his new girlfriend by my name and she was too drunk to even notice how awkward..
dad just smoked me out. he's yelling at room service for not giving him cookies and milk with his towels...we're both too high to know if thats a legit complaint.
He was streaking. We were hammered. We had roman candles. It only made sense to shoot them at him.
Definitely almost got hit in the face with a baby
I just recognized Courtney in a crowded Trader Joe's solely by seeing her ass. In other news, I survived the first round of layoffs today.
I'm not sure which feat is more impressive...
I'm still drunk. it's summer. I just need a hot dog and an aspirin.
Went home last night with a guy in a tutu, didn't know he was wearing a tutu until he threw it at me in the bedroom. God I love Halloween.
He was like low grade Riff Raff, but I hit it. Twice. His grill popped out the second time.
Bring me a cialis. .. I feel like having a super dick today
She took her panties off, then farted in my general direction. I guess we're at that stage in our relationship.
I just used a box o wine to refill a bottle o wine to more effectively drunk clean
He named his newborn baby after a character in the Hobbit and that is literally keeping me up at night.
Nothing says “I spent too much in Vegas” quite like eating a jar of pickles for dinner and planning on cream of celery soup for breakfast tomorrow.
Randomize
