If she catches me sniffing the seat of her office chair again, she's either going to fire me or fuck me
I crashed her parents' car cause she was giving me road head. Its probably best to just let them think I'm a bad driver.
There's going to be a pool, lightsabers and alcohol. What could go wrong?!
I'm mumbling to people and trying not to accidentally shit my pants
Eating a popsicle in the shower was the best idea I've had in ages.
the amount of chicks and firearms here is unnerving. this will end awesomely or at the morgue.
Like real life can suck my metaphorical dick right now.
I think I caught your cold through my vagina. It was worth it.
At least you didn't sleep with Ashley's uncle.
I just watched an intern spill two trays of coffee inside a spinning door
Best exit from a building ever
Day one of being single and I've came three times. I can get used to this.
He said I have the “Denzel Washington” of vaginas.
I'm sorry, but the bed has won this battle. I got up, changed my shirt, combed my hair, put on some deodorant, and then looked at my bed and got back in
The fuck kind of sorcerer makes a pact with tequila
Most of the people I know from AA
Haha touché
WAIT YOU’VE NEVER BEEN TO COSTCO???
COSTCO IS MAGICAL
I can’t believe you two made a group text to scream at me about Costco.
Randomize
