Sandra Bullock looks like the most recent Michael Jackson
I'm thinking of having one or both of my boobs out. They're small but they're mighty.
my roommate just said, "don't look at it, just put it iin your mouth"
I don't understand how he can't hear himself snoring, but he'll wake up to me sneaking m&m's from my junk food stash beside the bed...
So I've only had a mustache for about 5 minutes and I'm already pretty sure it's the best decision I've ever made.
hey i found one of your nipple clamps under my couch, i miss you!
I just found a video on my phone from last night of you yelling, "you can't fuck me!" at least 20 times
You sprayed lysol all over me. You said that my soberness was infecting your night.
At what point would you like us to save you from yourself?
I need you to do me a favor and hide my sword from me tonight. I'm planning on drinking my weight in vodka and I don't trust myself enough to not run through campus screaming "I AM SPARTA!" You'll be saving me a mugshot as well as saving some innocent girls from tears.
Send me one of your boob pics as an example. I mean this in the straightest least lesbian way possible.
Now: to brush my teeth, put on my grandma slippers and earplugs, masturbate to 50 Shades and then PTFO
On another note, I almost lost one side of my fake butt. Dancing the wobble with the fake butt isn't recommend.
I wanted to waterboard myself with beer, but no one would give me their shirt to do it.
who knew being a fake dominatrix could be so fun?
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