Dear everyone that texted me last night wondering where i was. i ended up face down blacked up drunk before i made it to the party. My bad
My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
There are not one, but two women wearing my boxers on the couch right now. You need to wake the fuck up.
he opened the microwave and beer cans poured out
I hit him with a car. Nothing says I hate you more than backing into someone with a fucking car.
She was standing in the road flagging traffic in a tshirt and boxers. I didn't stop.
All she wanted was a cigarette
I see your smile in the face of every drunk that senses he's about to slay a troll.
I have fireworks and redbull; let's make heart attack inducing magic happen.
I don't know which is worse, the fact that he can say will you fuck me in so many languages or that I'm turned on because of that
i cant believe we used adam and eve as a sexting theme last night
pssssst. you dropped everyone else off and forgot about me. im in the backseat of your car still. can you please come back outside and either let me out or take me home?
I just slipped on ice and peed on my pea coat. There's a pun there but I'm too sad to make it
I like that you're more concerned about how I would find the time to clone you, than the fact that I have your blood.
My life is pants optional.
He picked me up in Smart Car with the license plate “MYWHIP.” I think my ovaries shriveled up and died.
Randomize
