so i just saw your dad embarking upon a biking journey in full reflective gear
...this stays between you and me
So I'm pretty sure when I was giving a Birthday Blow J, he went to grab my boob, but grabbed a fat roll and asked "You're not wearing a bra?"
I wish there was a non-hangover washing machine that I could stick myself in right now
is it bad i banged a 25yr kindergarten teacher last night?
No thats like a top 10
As she was leaving she said "You have an awesome penis, I hope to use it again soon" I need that on a business card to hand out at the bar
Night. I'll wake u up at 6 with the unfinnished vodka bottle so be prepared young grasshoper. U have much to learn.
He just told me the blow job I gave him was like a journey
walk of shame this morning involved walking through the in-home daycare that she runs while it was full of kids. judgemental little shits. on a plus, got a juice box and a graham cracker for the walk home.
So then I proceeded to the kitchen to make my "specialty," which consisted of a frozen veggie burger topped with peanut butter. I guess he ate it too.
So nowhere in the dress code does it forbid me from showing up to City Hall in a gorilla suit to meet the mayor.
I look like i have multiple stab wounds in my foot and there are footprints from the elevator to my room. What happened?
You kept trying to make people drink "salsa-ritas." But all you did was dump tequila in a half full jar of salsa, and shove it in people's faces while shouting at them.
Beer. Pizza. Seething Rage. I will be full of two of these things tonight. You get to decide which two.
I just had sex with the kid I walked next to at my first holy communion
I'm at her wedding and she managed to get every single one night stand I ever had in her wedding party. Why does she hate me?
Randomize