at 4 in the morning i heated a family sized mac n cheese for a minute and decided to eat it frozen cuz I didn't wanna wait for that long
i want to give my vagina back to god and say no thank you
nah, its part of my diet to keep track of the servings of everything i put into my body
how many servings is brandon's dick?
Sometimes, in the course of human events, people get lit on fire.
franzia sundays are my new favorite holiday
I just had a cup of orange juice and thought it didnt taste right. It didnt have vodka in it.
And then as he was trying to conceal his boner from everybody, you said aloud "just grab your cock and get out of the pool"
Listen, you need to start thinking with your vagina and not with your heart... That emotional shit is for your 30s.
Please come quick there are people in suits here judging me
I'm sitting alone in a bar pretending to watch football because I don't know where the liquor store is around here and I'll be god damned I'm going to be sober on my day off.
If you can't trust the person at the taco cabana drive thru, who can you trust?!
When I walked out of the bathroom and you were literally dancing, you looked at me and said 'this is how I dance'. And then continued.
Dude how about today while I was on lunch someone died in the break room at work....I didn't even know we had a break room!!
He fucked me so hard my contacts fell out! Didnt know that was possible.
Our sex sesh was interrupted by a bunch of hobos fighting outside his apartment.
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