i need you to recap everything for me beyond "i think i'm gonna try vodka-pong"
at the bar. watching boys pee in urinals. when they come out we give them a thumbs up or a thumbs down. probbb shouldn't prop the bathroom door open with a bar stool....
shes perfect for him. shes never seen a penis so she has nothing to compare his to.
I'm not sure that our 12-years-ago-high-school-"relationship," and 179 texts in the last 4 hours is gonna be enough to squeeze a naked smartphone picture of me. I'm gonna need some chicken wings or Makers Mark before that starts happening.
my mom found me passed out in the kitchen floor with the Brita pitcher.. Happy Mothers Day
I love shooting for the middle. Those girls never wake up well.
We played alot of beer pong and ventured into the woods with tiki torches
The bond between me and cheese is something no man can understand.
You took photos of my underwear around London the day after! THAT was too soon.
Ryan friended me on LinkedIn and it took everything in my power not to endorse him for sexual dysfunction as a skill.
I love this text stream: discussing the development of a business model centered around cooking acid to bankroll a yacht trip in Croatia
Drunk packed a lunch. Made two turkey sandwiches and threw in a bag of raw bacon. Gold star for the day drunk self.
My card got declined when I tried to buy dippin dots at 2 am, the lady gave them to me for free because "I looked like I needed them."
If you can handle my post-party look you da real MVP
I gave Sophia a glitter bomb for Christmas. And before you ask is because she pooped in my cat litter box and then drank all my liquor and didn't pay me back and refuses to acknowledge that she had any wrongdoing. So she gets to clean up glitter for the next 10 years.
Randomize
