i found your underwear in my bra... i dont even remember how this happened.
shit. all i remember is the look on your moms face.
I cant prove it..but im almost positive that you were just outside my window watching me while eating out of a bag of Cheetos...
Uhh, there's a legit bruise on my boob.. Again how does he manage this
I will fuck him senseless, no need for a priest.
I only have one eye to read your texts because I just stabbed one out after reading that last text.
Before I roll over explain to me why you're naked and on my floor.
If youre wondering about the smell, i set your hamster on fire. But don't worry he's ok
I just dried my bra with your hair straightener because the drier is broken again.
He awkwardly handed me plan b on Pickens Street... it was like a sketchy drug deal.
I think we need to stage a munchie intervention for Ben. I just watched him use a tortilla as a potholder to dump water out of his ramen.
I did not have sex with him because he had a puppy…finding out he had a husky pup waiting back at home was just an unexpected plus
Was he a virgin!? DID YOU TAKE A GUY'S VIRGINITY ON MY FLOOR!?
The impromptu 'dance party' was just three white dudes flailing arrhythmically in the kitchen in absolute silence. Stone cold sober.
Apparently 'ewww' is not the correct response to him saying he has to go to a funeral while I'm there.
I just fanned myself with my wet toothbrush to dry my mascara. Wtf
he came with me to get plan b but they didn't have any. when I started crying he said "come on it's not that bad.. ill go get sandwiches from the vending machine and we'll have our first meal together as a family"
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