I was just making a list of the girls i have slept with and i can't remember your sisters name
She really thought E.D. was a sexually position.
Eating hibachi. The chef is squirting sake into my mouth with a ketchup bottle. Happened twice, more to come.
felt a little awkward waiting for my McNuggets after vomiting all over the counter
Never again let me pretend to be australian for free booze.
its 9am and we're in an escalade. I have no shoes and my dress is on backwards. I feel like we're the morning after a rap video
found POGS while I was cleaning my room this morning. Definitely bringing them back to school to turn into a drinking game.
Weddings at vineyards should never be allowed to happen. I'm pretty sure I drank every bottle they produced in 2008.
I'm heating up a hotdog using a candle.
At a Jewish lesbian wedding. I stick out like a sore, uncircumcised penis.
so... the fat chick just walked over, shook my hand, then introduced herself as "versatile". shoot me now.
Dude, please wake him up, there are pills all over the floor and hes the only one who knows which ones to take simultaneously.
Pretty sure that I got the MVP of wedding reception... woke up on the bench in the hallway of a hotel and we did NOT start the night there.
I just ate a handful of salt
I thought this was a good idea
In a meeting I sneezed and my tooth hit the floor. I don't think anyone noticed. I would still like to die now.
Randomize