Anal astronaut?
Wow word travels fast.
He just kept yelling woof and then threw money all over me...
He did a line, told me my hair looked pretty against the background of the clouds, and then we fucked. Good afternoon
My mom woke me up in a bubble bath this morning.
Yes, she gives me platonic blowjobs as part of our friendship.
I just saw him carrying his little sister while walking his puppy. And he was shirtless. I swear my ovaries just exploded
You screamed 'no, YOU put some pants on' at a cop. I pretended not to know you.
you're usually drunk when you offer. there's one time you called me, told me not to dye my hair red, and asked if i wanted to see your tits.
Who replies to a drunk text at 6am that's like against the rules of being a designated drunk text receiver
How did work go after you told them you were in jail?
Great they tried to bail me out.
You were drinking whiskey from a beer bottle i dont know what you really expected...
I've been continuously high for the last 48 hours, and just broke my 4th vibrator. Coincidence? FIND ME A MAN I BEG OF YOU.
Being an adult can't be all bad. I just took a vacation day solely to sit around and get stoned
Leaving the puke on the ceiling as a reminder.
i think she learned that just cuz half shots were easier, doesnt mean she can have triple as many.
Randomize
