I just heard a mom tell her toddler son "shut the fuck up. Don't ask me to buy you shit when i'm taking u to go see some fucking animals" welcome to the bronx.
The verizon commercial has a magical pinata. Candy just keeps coming out. It must be a portal to a candy universe.
New favorite sorority...they made me pancakes in the morning and welcomed back the walk of shame girls with a round of applause
that girl from work that wants to bone me just said 'the last time i went this long without sex was in jail'. sup, red flag
I'm crying, drinking alone and applying for jobs tonight. I figure the alcohol will lower my job standards.
My roommate didn't flush after her miscarriage. Time to drink myself blind. I need you for moral support. Or so I don't have to drunkenly cry alone anymore. Whatever, help.
Our suitemates are shrooming again. I left a less colorful dress hanging on the door, change before you come in because purple is making Maeve cry.
I can't tell you what you just drank, that would ruin the point of Mystery Monday.
she found out just an hour ago that she might have cervical cancer. either way we're watching 50/50 and taking a shot of patron anytime anyone says cancer.
My going away gift was all of them dancing around with solo cups on their dick and balls...these are my friends
I'm just chillin on the bathroom floor
Haha oh no
The bathroom floor is like my second bedroom on the weekends
We watched game of thrones, broke up and I drove away blasting ridin solo while he dougied
I'm making mistakes. Coming up with girl now
I hate me. That girl was hiiiiideous.
She has a bong hits for Jesus shirt. Of course I'm going to like her.
you said you heard a baby, so i told you to go feed it. you came back 2 hours later with a pizza and when i asked you where the baby went you pointed to the pizza and puked.
Randomize
