Dude I can't believe you let me go home with the wildabeast lastnight.
You always hook up with hot girls we had to know you were mortal
My dad just told me if I'm going to smoke pot, to make sure I use a clean needle. WTF?
Set off the fire alarm in our dorm at 2:30 am last night. 150 Naked people wrapped in towels shared a bag of popcorn with me as we watched the firefighters frantically search for my burnt popcorn in the building.
OMG THAT WAS YOU?!
HOLY SHIT HE'S TRYING TO EAT HIS FOOT. THIS IS THE BEST DAY OF MY LIFE.
His mom always writes on my facebook right after we have sex. it's like she knows. with her scary mom psychic powers
Well, he's moving. Now my only options are to accept it or fake a pregnancy; and since you are my only pregnant friend I'm going to need you to pee on this stick for me.
NoShamevember. You game?
He walked in at 7am saying that the police had his shoes and phone because he's being investigated for attempted auto theft.
Remember the bouncer that knocked out Dave and Sam? Apparently his day job is a florist. Uppercut and fresh cut in one package.
I look like I just got gang banged and I'm wearing a Taylor swift t shirt. It's not gonna be a pretty breakfast.
Do you ever get high and look at your cat and feel like you know them on an intellectual level?
you weren't there so I had to flirt with him on your behalf
Like, what do you do with girlfriends? Buy her dinner and just like leave?
Do you wanna fuck while my apple pie is in the oven?
Stop letting me drink alone on saturdays. My last 2 google searches were "short legs" and "caterpillar eyebrows" ? I don't even know.
Randomize
