I'm sitting in front of the mirror eating cereal and pondering how my boobs got so big
Welcome to my life
He managed to completely creep out every girl I was with last night. It was almost inspiring how efficient it was.
I ate the snowman's head. That is not a drug euphemism.
We're making herpes jokes very loudly and hoping she notices.
I definitely did a line of something I don't know with a Pagan biker. I make good decisions.
He stopped in the middle of us having sex and asked "is today Monday?" then went even faster
Sundays should be dedicated to Girl Scout cookies, sex, and super hero movies.
What are you doing St Patricks day? I'm banned from all work parties with open bar ever since the cinco de mayo party that I dumped a drink on my co-workers head and played air guitar on my boss' ankle cast.
I should put together a new mom basket for her. It would have diapers, vodka, ambien, and tissues for when she cries about her wasted youth.
I'm in the power napping at parties stage of my life
ted dressed as a cardinal led an expedition across campus. i felt like one of the 12 apostles.
I don't give a shit if you judge. This isn't about you or anyone else. This is about me and my chicken tenders.
I couldn't find a water bottle, so I sent her to school with her juice in a flask. Who the hell let me become a parent?
It stopped being casual for me when I waxed my vagina for you
It’s the biggest dick I’ve ever seen. His IQ drops 25 points when he’s hard because there’s no blood going to his brain
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