college drinking is stealing all my money, thank god planned parenthood is somewhat free
He's pole dancing on a heat lamp.
I walked into his living room and saw him watching the play-offs while eating tomato paste out of the can with a bottle of wine. I'm telling you to stop talking to him. now.
Using his name makes it all too personal. I refuse to get attached to this one. This is all about ass. He doesn't get a name.
Earned the respect of a group of freshman by chugging Das Boot while hanging out a window and lost it shortly after by wrecking a clown bike into them.
Someone woke me up and gave me a sprite and some pills. I put them in my belly button. Trust no one.
why are all my papers due the day after my potential hangover
He will. He has no choice. What's he gonna do? Find a better fuck buddy? We both know that's not possible. I'm the ideal friend with benefit. Minus snoring and uneven tits.
Then my perve supervisor asked about your vagina. And I was like nunya, but its glorious
I think i should wear mittens next time we have sex.
Doing laundry. My jeans from last night smell like chicken wings and motor oil.
why did you put a dildo on the ceiling fan
the dildo had a suction cup and we had a ceiling fan what did you expect?
I'm eating animal crackers on my bed next to my vibrator writing about the hopelessness and depravity of humanity. I am LIVING.
You know my vagina and my heart have a mind of their own even when it’s pouring snow.
dude, there is no doorman in your lobby and the front door is locked
oh yeah, sorry he's up here at the party. coming now
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