the couple across the street's about to bang. go get the popcorn and come join us.
Do you think most people who work at an airport Chili's can pin point where their lives went wrong?
I just spent the last 30 mins playing uplifting songs to my uterus, & there's no way I'm pregnant.
No we just stood in the kitchen and laughed for 2 hours about how funny the popcorn noise was.
Where did this racoon skin hat, stop sign and bag full of tacos come from?
Narnia or $5 pitcher night either way
I think my Halloween costume this year will be made entirely of pillows and I'll be Marshmellow girl or Kirby. That way I'm comfortable, warm, and if I fall over drunk I'm safe.
The waitress asked if you wanted white or brown, and you said "Isn't it all the same color when it's toasted?". She stared at you for about 20 seconds before she decided that you weren't fucking with her.
I yield to the immortal wisdom of one ludacris, who famously wrote, "can't turn a hoe in to a housewife." Indeed, ludacris, indeed.
Apparently last night I yelled "the cops were called on a mother fucker and that mother fucker is me." And then proceeded to exorcise a sandwitch.
and the oscar for 'most creative swearing' goes to you for 'jesus's bloody fucksticks'
You give an incredible blow job. I wanted to make sure you know it was appreciated
In 18 months of being married we've had sex with 7 different couples. Who said you can't have your cake and eat it.
THAT BEAUTIFUL FACE AND HEAVENLY LIGHTING IS NOT HELPING THE NOT DEAD POINT HOW DO I NOT KNOW YOU ARE NOT TEXTING ME FROM THE AFTERLIFE
The after life smells like latex gloves and hand soap
I just put on the jeans I was wearing last night and pulled 4 baby carrots out of my back pocket....
I woke up spooning with two strangers on Saturday morning... I felt like a sexual sandwich
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