this girl just gave me her phone number and 5 mins later right in front of me she is giving her number to another dude
call her and ask her what she thinks she's doing
new level of vanity: sex dreams about deep throating myself...
If she wasn't my friend I'd think she was a huge slut
You hooked up with another girl while you were with me. You were literally holding my hand while you did it.
Well now I have my semen on her headphones
You need to get here now. Before they realize I'm not puerto rican.
I got stoned in my snow covered car and pretended I was burried alive
I cant believe im wasting my plan b experience on this guy. I should have saved it for someone special.
Threw up on the baby. National Tequila Day is the eve of National I'm A Horrible Nanny Day.
So your best guy friend eats your pussy once and a while, no big deal. It's like going to jiffy lube once and a while to let the professionals do it. Your husband should understand .
You peed on someone's house because they had a Wisconsin flag.
So I come back home and a huge flock of enormous vultures are on my roof
They're waiting for you to die
Fingerblasting some girl on the deck tryna get her to fuck on a lifeboat
I just got St Patricks day and the day after St Patricks day off, wich I'm pretty sure is as close to a raise as I'll ever get.
Shit is getting real. I just adjusted my search radius for my dating profile to ANY FUCKING WHERE
Randomize
