he said i took off my shirt and wrote "help HATI" on my tits, and charged people to motorboat me..... i'd like to say i woke up with 267$ in my purse
the semester isnt officially over until i take the batteries out of my calculator and put them back into my vibrator
Right now, my father is sitting on the couch, totally smashed, crying, eating pringles, and watching the credits of Transformers 2. Love him.
eggs and jello shots do not qualify as 'brunch'
I need you to help me convince Steph that she will like Tequila if she would chase it with A-1
I hope your face alive. Lemme know if you are breathing in the morning. If not. Whoever is reading this tell me when the funeral for this awesome mother fucker is and we will rage at that event. Kthanksbye
Just to be a PITA after I die, my will leaves 1 cent to each of my FB friends. I hate my lawyer.
My heart feels like a grape in a barrel about to be crushed into wine
I called you a cum goblin in my voicemail. I stand by it.
Went home w the NY Islander in a NY Rangers jersey, needless to say he was pissed
Yeah, he hid all the toilet paper and took a video of me looking for it before I shit my pants. Definitely playing that clip at our wedding.
If he cant deal with my insomnia and sex drive I really feel sorry for his child and ex fiance. Adulthood breakups are depressing.
He made her leave because she liked Top-Ramen better than Maruchaun. He's my hero.
Somehow, you looked so classy chugging that bottle of wine last night.
We're just starting to open presents and I already need a shot. This is gonna be a long Christmas day.
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