i got totally wasted at 2pm and cleaned the house bc i was bored. my mom now supports my alcohol problem
A freshman just referred to Home Improvement as 'tim the tool man show'. People born after 1990 are not people.
Like if I don't roll around in my puke, the night will be a failure.
Apparently throwing balloons filled with vodka off the roof is considered terrorism.
Well, I found the missing blow... in my fucking suitcase... THIS MORNING. Yeah, I flew from FL to NY with blow in my suitcase yesterday.
I told you to check, dude
Yeah, AFTER I checked my bag and I was already sitting on a plane. Oh well. I figured worst case I'd do like 15 hours in county and I was totally prepared for that anyways. I always prepare for that when we hang out.
I'm drinking straight vodka and railing lines of adderall while writing a paper about the nature of Jesus. It's 6:50 in the morning. College.
we're all going for beer and wings at 7. inflate your girlfriend and bring her along too.
there may have been a blood oath never to speak of it again...only reason i can think of as to why there was a 1 inch bloody cut on my right boob
just woke up on the floor of my shower...it was still runnning
I'm having a hard time eating my sandwich knowing how many different buttholes my hands were in last night.
Of course I'm watching space shows while stoned on the science channel. Why would I want to learn while not baked out of my skull?
For 15 minutes straight, he literally did every accent there was, from Russian to Bostonian. The issue: no one could determine whether he was sober, wasted, or anywhere in between
Just an fyi, you also tried to wrangle a peacock last night.
Drunk purchased a negligee, plan b, keds and Himalayan salt shot glasses.. there’s only one reasonable purchase there, and we both know it’s not the sneakers
QUICK FAX ME THE BALL
Not how faxing works at all btw
Randomize