Your date looks like the Cloverfield monster. good luck.
I just made my bed perfectly before realizing that I'll be too drunk to appreciate it tonight
she carries around a jar of peanut butter. "just in case".
Some random slut told me I was a good dancer then gave me a handjob. I felt like fucking John Travolta.
She said I told her "I'm to drunk to take your bra off." then she said I walked out completely naked to go watch tv.
yea last night was a repeat of newyears...exept this time it ivolved a fish costume, throw up, a hole in the roof, and cops...lots of cops
And if I hated you I'd probably say things like, "I never want to speak to you again," or, "Eat a bag of dicks." That's how you'd know.
A guy wearing a shirt that says "eat shit and die motherfucker" just held open a door for me. He's got manners.
And as cleavage season comes to a close, so blooms a new season of yoga pants. And the people rejoiced.
What's his name?? He crossfits 6 times a week, works in finance & is into the occasional felony class drug. His name is irrelevant in order to know if I wanna bone him again.
Decided to make myself tequila gummy bears but got impatient and just drank the bowl of tequila.
So this was during drunk golfing. She started wacking me off on the ninth hole and an old couple rolls up next to us. And Says "hey gu- oh my golly" and while my penis is in her hand I'm like "sorry you guys can play through"
Well you busted in the house and yelled with pride about Uber giving you a ride over with your new bong.
"He didn't answer my snap so I know he's arrested"
Drugs and unwanted pregnancies are the only things that I'm good at. College comes in at a close third.
Randomize
