I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
Its 6am. Um if my mom for some reasons asks, you stopped by my house around ten and had some wine with me. She is concerned I drank a whole bottle by myself. Woke me at 6am to interrogate..Thank god my pounding head thinks fast.
PS We had chips too. She is less concerned about the whereabouts of the chips but still a good lie always needs detail.
he asked me if i "normally slept like that" because i was curled up in a ball facing the wall. then he told me that i woke up in the middle of the night and said "oh my god. i forgot you were here." how did he not understand that i didn't want him in my bed.
I swear that when I have my own bathroom, I'm gonna lock myself in there and masterbate for at least 3 days in sheer appreciation of it.
i knew she was desperate at the point in which she started showing me her naked pics on her phone
For the amount I put out, I should be going on way more dates.
Just want you to know I am def drunk enough to burn down your house. Don't worry I checked the stove like 6 times. I love grilled cheese
He said "ride me pocahontas" while I was on top of him last night
Oh my god, I am the best RA ever. I'm teaching my freshman girls how to deep throat on bananas as a group bonding activity. I'm making the religious ones eat them for potassium.
pretty sure I just got a "sorry I have a new boyfriend" blow job. Confused, but totally ok with it.
The doctor basically called me a dirty dick.
My kid made a secret wish that you have a baby... Make good choices today!
Ugh im hungover from last night, and to top it all off, I think someone jacked my laptop.
umm ya, so we found it in the oven wrapped in a pillow case this morning
Im riding the bus with beer in one hand and chapagne in the other. I love weddings.
whenever dudes said you had nice tits you'd scream at them "This double push-up bra is full of deceit and lies!"
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