Masturbating after my cheeseburger. It's unavoidable.
I wrote a list of all my homework due in the next few weeks. I feel I've done enough for tonight.
you're single. I'm single. let's spend vday with the 3 most important men in our lives: ben, jerry, and josé
Instead of just putting in it he asked "will you do the honors?" it was the cutest thing I had ever heard before sex.
you told grandpa to call you daddy
Just so you know, a true one night stands ends with a 7 minute blow job after eating a sandwich she made for you while the taxi you called for her comes
I just met the neighbor hes a self proclaimed coke dealer/ softporn producer.
We will have to go big on the 4th! Nothing says independence like the impending doom of an ankle monitor
constantly striving to make life awkward and more complicated, one drunk bone at a time.
Im so excited to get permanently banned for life from all the old bars again, it is gonna be christmas after all
so I'm staring at this cat and wondering..is the tail of the cat the derivative of it's head?
stop getting stoned after studying for a calc final.
it's like his dick is making a u-turn.
I don't know. I wanna do you but I also want a cheeseburger.
If I get one more "oh yaaaaa he changed your oil" texts, I'm gonna lose my shit
Punched myself in the face trying to open a bottle of Vicodin one handed. Night is going well.
Randomize
