I was too high to figure out which of the three doors would lead me to my classroom, so i sat down in the middle of the hallway and ate a twinkie.
First order of business is dropping my 9 am gym class. I'm sweating pure vodka.
I was hoping we just happened to wake up naked and I hadn't fucked him.... no such luck.
When she showed me how she could touch her toes without bending her knees, suddenly her face didn't worry me quite as much.
my nipple ring is gone but someone was nice enough to replace it with a paperclip
I have just figured that it takes exactly 2 and a half rums to clean the bathroom..
So i think i'm going to frame my summons tickets and give them to dad as a christmas present...
I mean you guys are my friends and all but if you fuck with me I will not hesitate to set you on fire
Suddenly I feel like all I did this summer was have sex in our apartment
You cant come. You're a Colorado native who drinks Bud over Coors. Fucking homegrown terrorist.
If i ever die cab you make sure bag pipes are at my funeral they are awsome
Why do I have a vague memory of your entire fraternity climbing in through my bedroom window?
Would you paint my ceiling for oral sex?
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
I'm trying to imagine how upset he was when he realized that he had been cockblocked by a picture of a sloth and I am drawing indescribable pleasure from it.
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