I walked up to her and said hello and wanted to ask her if she had fun last night... she asked me if we had met before.
mom and grandma are in town. grandma wants to get drunk with you
I was just at the bank and there was a fat lady wearing a cape. today is gonna be awesome.
I wasn't trying to make you feel bad, I just agreed with you that your life does suck.
So some guy at the party is convinced I'm Edward Cullen. He keeps calling me "Twilight" and following me around with a stake. I'm concerned.
He just showed up at my house and was like "have you seen an axe laying around?" he wasnt wearing any shoes.
1 be hot 2 flirt with everyone 3 use hotness to make people do things for you. It's a simple model.
By the end of the night I was using him as a leg rest and he was handing me pizza rolls when I wiggled my hand. It's a proven method.
Sorry I dragged you across a parking lot
I sent "Rawrrrr" to 151 matches on Tinder. I feel like thats a substantial size of the DC female population.
This amicable friendliness is dull. We either need to start fighting or fucking around. I'll even let you pick.
I just masturbated and watched youtube makeup videos, which was just an extension of masturbation.
I just walked by a dude at the gym covering himself in olive oil.
Guess who's now on the no-fly list? If you guessed me, you'd be right.
Remembering you have vodka in the freezer gives the same surge of happiness as finding 20 bucks in a coat pocket.
Woke up with a throbbing vagina and a lesbian in my bed. Then for the hell of it we had morning sex. Definitley bisexual now
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