Just tried to fight the dj at cowboys because he would'nt play freebird. Pick me up now.
he's totally gay but hes wondering what hes missing out on. Im going to show him.
no pressure.
you made them have somersault races with you thru the lobby..
Why were you having sex on top of my left over pizza in the kitchen?
SHE JUST SHOVED MY HAND DOWN HER PANTS AT THE BAR
Don't text me with that hand
Found a girl that was gonna make out with 25 people for her 25th birthday. I was like #12. Made top half!
I am sufficiently unimpressed with the options available to my freshly shaved self tonight.
I made that picture of you my lock screen. So I've just been standing around at work licking my phone all day.
On the food pyramid big dick are "sometimes foods"
Ah, drunk me ordered sushi at 3 a.m. for sober me's lunch the next day. EXCELLENT
He told me I smelled like peanut butter, pepperoni, and pure unbrieldled passion.
please tell me you're the one making all the weird noise in the yard..
Have you ever drank bourbon in your underwear while wearing a Santa hat and reflecting on the decisions of your life? Asking for a friend.
The playlist was "songs to sing in the shower". I literally got fucked to Footloose.
its a comptetion of fuckups and im HERE TO WIN
Randomize