If I would have known that wiping my dick on her pillow would have caused her to leave........
So then I sent a pic msg of the Magnum XL box to her friend
she went home with me because she said i reminded her of paul rudd. remind me to thank him for his awkwardness
Let me start this apology by saying I'm sorry that I bit your penis.
He chucked my pickle at the bouncer. Fucker, I wanted that.
I sent her 8 pictures of my dick in a baked potato. Not sure how I thought that would get me laid later.
My head. My head is the problem. Also alcoholism.
figured after she passed out and i threw up in her bed, morning sex would be pushing it.
No one parties like Jon. He once stole a cops hat, ran like the wind, partied all night with it, and dropped it off at the station the next day with a box of donuts as an appology.
I just discovered I can sober up while teaching class
Carson when you get home I want you to go downstairs and go into each bedroom and pick up the underwear and either throw it out or give it back to the people who own them. Look all over the room. Thank, Love Mom
Totally forgot we howled at the full moon last night... It's safe to say Tuesday Boozeday is my new favorite day of the week
I've had pants off for 3 hours now. America.
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
I got subtly pornographic with a lollipop while we were talking and he got flustered and started to blush. If he’s not interested after that I need to turn in my vagina card.
Randomize
