It was one of those "since we're naked anyway" type situations
Ok, so for future reference, in Rome, "piano bar" means "brothel".
I have a feeling that watching gay porn with you was the reason I was dancing in a hurricane of floating dicks in my dream last night.
I don't have nearly enough visine for the dryness from sticking my head out the window on the freeway for 20 minutes. Child lock me next time.
don't say the first was when I crawled under into the dressing room
I'm drunk at a gay bar with my riding crop. God save the queens
When you turn your data bak on you're gonna get a pic of a nipple but it's not mine
I ate the last cupcake. I'm sorry. It was in the refrigerator mocking me. So I ate it. And it was glorious. But I'm sorry.
Last week in my political science paper I quoted the Mighty Ducks. This week, I compared the Constitution to a weird pickle law in Connecticut (by law, it's not a pickle unless it bounces). So, yeah, clearly I'm ready to be back to being a college student.
You thought there were zombies attacking us so you tried to tuck and roll out of a moving vehicle. Also you should consider wearing underwear
Nothing says "happy birthday" like a negative pregnancy test
Told my fifteen year old cousin's friend what to sext his girlfriend last night. He was scarred for life but she fucking loved it.
Are you jealous of my sweatsuit? It's how I get men on Tinder.
I'm pretty sure the Bible says "He who is most sober may cast the first stone."
Best part though was when he wanted to cuddle and I was like, I'm going to go.
Randomize
