He threw a goldfish cracker into my toilet and then proceeded to laugh for 32 minutes. I timed it.
i just learned how to squirt via google. life is good.
We've been friends for six months, when do my benefits kick in?
I don't care how many kiddie pools are in our house. One is too many.
I totally just potholed and almost crashed while trying to lick salsa off my boob.
I think my goal for this black wed is to not scream at an off duty state cop in a bar after trying to flirt with him. No need to make that an annual tradition
All I remember is this kid kept saying that he has a dream that white kids and black kids can take shots together as one, and just we'd keep drinking to that.
So I almost just died there. And we need a new garage door.
Everywhere I look there's another kitten this is so ideal
Can I live on acid? Kittens man. Kittens.
I'm never going out with the ashleys again. it was whoreible. terrifyingly whoreible.
We got kicked out of yet another strip club because your mom wanted to "show these kiddies how it's done"
I drank so much that my feet don't feel like my feet
You drunk-dialed me and asked me to describe my burrito
'valentine' just autocorrected to 'cake robe' in my phone
I think that summarizes my life up pretty accurately
Just deepthroated a hot dog. Thinking of you
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