i feel like the song jizz in my pants was made for him.
You were so drunk last night you typed www.face.come/cheese.com as if you were logging into facebook.
Ryan just walked out of his frat house with a case of beer, a 6 dollar bottle of vodka, and a pillow. He's good to go.
I will now attempt to shave my public hair into a Christmas tree.
You told me that you only walk into walls because it makes the room stop spinning.
You just kept holding your breath for a really long time and calling it lung excersizes.
there's a girl in the coffee shop just eating a pint of ben & jerry's
SMART GIRL
Your texting shows a blood alcohol level of .12
Some drunk guy thought my knee scooter was the sexiest thing he's ever seen. He then proceeded to ask me about duck hunting and decoys...
It's okay I missed my booty call by two whole minutes so I decided to delete him from my phone and then re-add him as "I am a douchelord"
You know it's time to do the dishes when you take shots of water out of a sake glass...
And you wonder why you're always one of the guys?
You know you have hit the best years of your life when you enlist the 5 year old to be ball boy during beer pong and pay him with candy you stole from Walgreens
I just don't understand why your parents aren't supporting your dreams of being a medieval weapon smith.
we need to open a bar. a bar with... wait for it... A FUCKING BALL PIT.
LOL. Do you guys need a ride home?
No. we're home already. i just thought it was a brilliant fucking idea.
If u could sum last night up in one word?
omgwtfpineapple
Randomize
