We need to find a way to make penises more like hookahs.
will emailing you the 64 kama sutra positions I want to try during the 3 days your here turn you on or terrify you?
Just saw a 300lb woman fall down. Shes screaming like a beached manatee. Her 120lb boyfriend is trying to push her up. It's like watching an infant try to bench
They have chocolate covered tequila candy at work. This is not a drill. May be drunk by noon.
I really appreciate you zipping up my pants at the bar. You didn't even ruin my Bermuda triangle.
i looked down and was like "oh shit thats blood" then it was like "shit, thats not my blood." then it was like whos blood is this??
Dude. Why is there a hamster in my pocket? WHAT THE FUCK WAS IN THAT JOINT
We were having an argument with his friends mom about whether it was worse that he bootycalled me at 4 a.m. or that I bootycalled him at 12 in the afternoon
I woke up half naked on the floor next to his bed, and his cat was staring at me like it had seen everything that i myself don't remember..
I have to date her we need a place to stay for tailgating
You just kept screaming "COME GET ME OFFICER, MY ALLIGATOR MEANS BUSINESS" while swinging a beanie baby alligator at him.
It only takes one line of cocaine, and you try to shotput a fucking kitchen table
Concept: I never actually flirt with anyone, I'm just a bitch and some people find it endearing
Well, I just puked in the shower in case anyone wants an update on how my day is going
I woke up next to him with nothing on and my thong around his neck. I just put my clothes on and left, but he still has my thong.
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