hey im gonna send you a picture of my dinner
if its a picture of your dick again we are no longer friends
If I had a nickel for every time somebody called me a bad person I would have enough money to check into rehab
the non-midget kid sent 8,000 texts in a month. the midget parents are pissed. THIS IS EPIC WHEN YOUR HIGH.
I would give up sex for lent, but I think Jesus would understand that I went too long without it to go back now.
i wish we had morning classes together so we can spike our coffee.
i'm pretty sure i just ruined some dude's romantic riverside sunset proposal by running outside and puking in a bush.
Someone changed my text signature to "Also, I think I might be gay" last night. Also, I think I might be gay
He was ugly. Like horse ugly. But he was built for power, not for speed.
I promise a much better performance tomorrow than last night my penis has a bed time
The face that yo gabba gabba comes up when I'm stoned and searching for yoga workouts is scary or dangerous
My inner pteradactyl is also confused.
Who doesnt want to be Yoda? I mean seriously, how sweet would that be? Live to 400, not give a shit about love and all that, know fucking mind tricks and smoke awesome swamp weed. I'm down.
I yelled at the cab driver to slow down because my unborn children live here, and pointed to my uterus. I think my message was lost in translation though because he immediately offered me his card...
Like seriously, I would not be going if there wasn't pizza
No I will not paint you for Mardi Gras in town. It is going to rain and you don't need another ID charge
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