i got us presents. or arrested. we shall see!
I filled two of the glass ornaments in my mom's bathroom last night with vodka. That way no one sees me drinking on Christmas. Alcoholic or genius? All I know it makes bathroom trips frequent and enjoyable.
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
your fridge is broken, your sock drawer is full of snow, and you flipped off the whole stadium on the big screen. I'd say it went well.
First sex of the summer I'm winning 1-0
GET HOME NOW
Oh shit
I'm in too deep with Breaking Bad. I realized I've altered my Tinder likes to people that either look like Jesse or work in a school's Science department.
For the sake of being nice I congratulated her and she replied with something along the lines of that I need to stay away from him and not touch him ever. I really wanted to be like "been there, done that" but my New Years resolution was to not start any cat fight over boys with small dicks before noon
He stopped me mid blowjob and asked me to take off my hat. He said it made him feel like Neil Young was going down on him.
I woke up with a twisted ankle and was covered in lube. Not entirely sure what happened last night
His dick is a spiritual experience and meditation is very important to me.
Plus we had to have sex before the game because there is a good chance we won’t be speaking for the rest of the week. #ironbowl
I apologize for there being a shopping cart in the living room. I don't know how why or where i got it.
Get the fuck in, we're going to Taco Bell.
I look like a hot mess, emphasis on the hot now, more emphasis on the mess later
yeah....try hearing them in person. it sounds like two muppets going at it
Randomize
