That's it, I refuse to live in a world where sparkly vampires beat Batman at anything.
I tried to explain to the cop how we all have skeletons in our closets but he just wouldn't listen.
I stuck a note to his door with my gum explaining why i couldn't spend the night. as i was walking away, he opened the door...i fell down and played dead. deffinitly didn't see me.
She keeps telling me I can't keep feeding the dog my food. I gave half the weed brownie to the dog and half to me. I just want it to taste the greatness of cheezits like I am.
I had to make out with him. He bought me a few drinks and he was an Angels fan. As a Yankee fan that was my way of saying good game and sorry we beat the shit out of you
Hey guy that stepped on my foot, don't slap my ass to apologize.
It sounded like he said "don't stop" but all I could hear were his balls.
I call it a party but only because that sounds better than 8 people getting drunk around a pool.
Moonshine marathon is never a good idea
Hahah. They reconnected again?
Like with his penis I guess
2 girls slept in my bed with me. 3 more girls slept on a mattress on my floor. The furthest I got was cuddling. Here's my man card.
I'm the Oprah of jello shots
Dude. Woke up this morning wearing that chick's panties. 8/10, would recommend. I love tequila.
She ripped her shorts off and yelled "VAGINA TIME!"
This may be the most redneck thing I've ever said, but I know all there is to know about farting dogs
Randomize
