Drinking non-alcoholic beer is like going down on your cousin.
Sure it tastes the same, but it ain't right.
The paper boy just woke me up in the front yard again.
im just gonna turn drinking alone on new years into a tradition
watching espn. realized that the exact place those sportcenter guys are is where I got laid on the beach last superbowl. my sex spot is broadcasted nationwide
I just had to give myself a pep talk to stop lying on my floor. Literally too hung over to function
My neighbor asked me to tell you to stop changing in front of their house. Do I even want to know?
Do you think I could put your penis on reserve for tonight or tomorrow night?
I vagually remember taking your birthcontrol and washing it down with ash water
i don't know what happened by from the looks of her lipstick I'd say she was skull fucked by a rhino
Dude. I'm busy doing PR for America. FOR AMERICA. Europeans think we can't handle liquor.
I swear I can feel something in my uterus. Like, I can feel his sperm searching for an egg. Wtf...
We were coming but I found wine on my way out the door.
He tried to introduce me to one of his friends that kept looking at me and I said "OH NO! I can't do this shit anymore!!" It was like I had a vision of what drunk me would've done in about 20 minutes.
someday i'll meet a man and who loves me as much as i love getting drunk and starting fires
Tequila should only be paired with the finest of dick
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