shit pants at work. discarded underwear.
just showed this text to the guy at west elm. luckily we did not stool ourselves in the midst of the ensuing hilarity. so you're commando now?
yep! most awkward part is that i was a few feet away from a client, talking and looking him in the eye. i've never stooled while looking someone directly in the eye.
For a day that started with shitting my pants, things turned out fairly well.
I just wiped my face with a slice of bread. Lowest point of the night.
why is there a clump of hair nailed to my wall?
she was masturbating to a video of herself masturbaing. She's a keeper
when i first looked at you, you weren't wearing any pants. but then i realized you had them around your neck as a cape.
What a dumb baby whore.
My brother is wearing glitter eyeshadow and split leg skinny jeans
You've been usurped as King of the Gays
Dude between pissing everywhere and all of those frogs, that bathroom got wrecked.
Whoever said that remembering a girls name is a basic rule for getting laid has never met me.
My sister was borrowing my phone when the sext came through. She just said "wow. He's got a nice dick!" Then went on like nothing happened. Outed by a dick pic and its no big deal. Best sister ever.
I'm not having the "why are your fucking my daughter" talk and the "your a drug addict" talk with your mom tonight.
She has no problem going ass to mouth, but won't eat the pizza crust. I don't get it.
Sitting across the table from one of my high school teachers who hasn't seen me since I was about 16 drinking a beer wearing a leotard
Ever try to swallow something and have it go up into your nose instead? Yeah, I just sneezed bacon.
Randomize
