I am going to invent a chocolate mix for sperm.
rather than putting your name in guys phones, you just texted 90999 to donate $10 to Haiti and then gave it back to them
Everytime I sleep with him he gives me another hint to what his tattoo means. I'm like a slutty Nancy Drew.
she was in the bathroom washing her eye makeup off with hand sanitizer.
Swallowing. Like you said. Lions. Always.
If 26 stitches didn't sober her up, nothing will.
You were typing for me while I was hyperventilating into a paper bag on the floor.
Sometimes you have a glimmer of a heart and then I immediately remember you are dead inside.
I'm pretty sure I lit a prostitute's cigarette while sharing a pizza with a homeless guy last night
I have shit my pants twice this week. #adulthood
This ice cream is 10x better than the sex I had yesterday
She texted me this morning asking why all of her house pillows were inside her mini-van.
So thats where i built my buckingham palace
Omg I joined a choir last night...
He can sense you did cocaine and had park sex with a large ginger from Australia last night.
We blew shit up to. With a cannon.
Randomize