So, I'm about to rent a movie, order pizza, and use my vibrator.... Am I dating myself?
I wish we never smoked. I'm literally laying in bed opening and closing my eyes, just hoping a hot dog stand will appear in the room.
I can't help but be optimistic. I'm like a ball of slutty sunshine.
He fell off the roof... he clearly has not been preparing for summer.
This theraflu would make for a great margarita.
I can make a sudafedarita
You know those creepy dolls that look like they are watching you from anywhere in the room? It was like that, but with his penis...
I don't want to be Eskimo brothers with your dad
You need to somehow incorporate the phrase "these hoes ain't loyal" into your best man speech.
just woke up on my patio with a mouse eating cheetos off mys chest. youre all assholes.
OMG -- There are strippers in the bathroom crying because their power moves aren't good enough to win the competition
I just realized I wasn't at the party anymore. I was just sitting there with a vacuum.
He surprised me with a puppy tail butt plug in his ass and wants me to fuck him
Crying into a glass of wine at 10 am isn't exactly how I planned this day to go
So now I have had sex with 2 people my son graduated high school with.
Well, I have no idea where my underwear is, so yea I would say it was a good weekend.
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