so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
he was wearing 3D glasses the whole time.
Apple Jack is not a good idea for breakfast. Whiskey can't replace milk.
Just mindlessly walked into the mens bathroom. My vagina has now become its own independent being, looking for penises. I'm just along for the ride.
It took me four clicks to get to 2009 on his profile. This can't work.
if theres anything i pride myself on, its my ability to look homeless.
there were staples in my comforter. what kind of sex did we even have?
We're gonna take a moment of silence to pray... that his penis is as pretty and as talented as his brothers.
So I found the perfect "Yeah I gained weight since high school but it went to all the right places" outfit for the reunion this weekend.
Yeah I just gotta do it so that my major doesn't find out. Doesn't look good having a stripper teach your 3rd grader
Things I want for my birthday 1. a Chipotle grade tortilla steamer 2. a new liver
At what point did you realize I was getting blown under the table during our dominos game?
His last Google search was "will sperm ruin the retina display on Apple products?"
He called me at 4am to ask me to marry him, then threw up into the phone for 10 minutes.
I’m not saying you’re wrong, I’m just saying he’s denying what you’re saying.
Randomize
