Got a toothbrush?
Taking a 35 year old indonesian home, only in vegas ;-)
If my vagina had boots, it would be shaking in them.
rainy day on campus = new personal fetish for girls in booty shorts and colorful rain boots
Would you want me to push you down the stairs OR throw you a baby shower?? Real talk
Someone shat in the 1st floor west girls hall. Literally SHAT in the hallway
That's what she gets for taking his peeps.
If you're still awake, how rude would it be if I masturbated in her new apartment on moving day? If you're asleep, then ask me how it was.
is it possible that there's a used condom holding pennies in my bra? I'm so confused on what happened last night...
Pretty sure that's a used tampon hanging from the tree outside my window.
Just got a message on OkCupid from a 20-year-old who has "Momma's Boy" tattoed across his chest and thinks the earth is bigger than the sun.
If your nipples ruin my wedding photos I will kill you.
Well my unnaturally hairy chest finally came in handy. It took at least an hour to shave the american flag into my chest but I definitely went America all over that party
ok give me a pep talk, I want a hotdog but I'm too stoned to go make it
He will be so fat that the winter can not penetrate his blubber.
Drink. Fuck. Waffle House. Repeat.
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