marko just referred to some fat asian and a portly friend as Jupiter and one of its moons. unreal. hyte!
I woke up to somebody tossing my salad... I should have drank more
this guy is so high, he just ate half of a frozen blueberry muffin and half of a frozen poppyseed muffin, then proceeded to make a "hybrid poppyberry muffin"
I'm genuinely dissapointed that we didn't make any fat chicks cry
At the same time. Hot men feeding me brownies. In between rounds of sex.
Just fell asleep during a bikini wax. Thank god for day drinking.
I know she was blacked out, but she looked directly at the toilet and said "we meet again"
I feel like a fucking princess. Like an heiress of a kingdom of drugs.
I called 911 when they kicked me out of the bar last night.
Swiping left on your brother's Tinder account is possibly the worst way to learn he broke up with his girlfriend.
You were giving me all the reasons why being the big spoon is such a responsibility, and how you wish you were a girl cause the little spoon does nothing
I JUST AGREED TO GO TO A CHILD'S BIRTHDAY PARTY AT A PLACE CALLED PUZZLE'S FUN DOME WHY DO I HATE MYSELF
did i get sucker punched in the face last night or was our make-out session just that intense?
After we had sex he went to the kitchen, came back with a bag of funyuns and ate them buck ass naked in his bedroom doorway. Had no idea how to react to that one.
So...I'm pretty sure I have officially determined that reverse cowgirl is the only position possible to have sex in my smart four two
Randomize
