i wonder why nobody wants to date me...im doing a crossword at work and asked out loud: whats a 4 letter word for 'a reason to get married?'
i was like PREG?
I wish they made helmets for livers.
You paid the taxi driver with a comb last night.
Oh, and I'm only keeping her around till spring. Doing the hunt for cunt is too tough in 12" of snow.
it wasnt a pity fuck per say. i wasnt attracted to her, but still thought 'that looks like a fun ride'
I woke up in my living room, on the floor, wearing nothing but a fur coat?
Nothing bonds a father and daughter like washing her puke off the front steps
Just to be a PITA after I die, my will leaves 1 cent to each of my FB friends. I hate my lawyer.
I fucking hate tequila. Tequila makes me hate pants.
I have woke up on a strange couch, in a strange house, on another campus. Can you Friend-Find me and pick me up?
Did I really just send a work email with cum instead of come? feck me
It's all fun and games until you rupture a testicle
when I was walking home I wad so excited to see a cat on the sidewalk but it was really a traffic cone
I'm surronded by jorts. You're probably too drunk to care. I'm gonna cry now. Love you.
Every day I wake up and there is no spectacular morning wood waiting for me I get so sad.
Randomize
