I had a dream last night that we were eating cake at Mercy...hahaha. I'm furious I didn't see you.
I plan on using my big titties for evil tonight.
Pants on the Ground is the theme song of my life
Her father's a cardiologist, her mom's a lawyer...she just went from a 5 to a 10 real quick.
Hey I never found my wallet but i did find a bag of 14 soft taco supremes
I have your wallet. Trade you for the tacos.
What I thought it would be sexy pouring melted chocolate down here chest, ended up in second degree burns. Hot food and sex do not mix.
So there I was praying he didn't go limp again, choking on a long, long gray ball hair. This is my Saturday night. This. Is. My. Life.
Can someone please explain where the fish in the mason jar came from when we were at a bar all night?
You told the bartender if he gave you one of the fish you'd go away
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
I just got high off one hit and the. Spent 20 minutes inspecting the gasket of our refridgerator and researching ways to replace it
Shaving your balls drunk sounds like a good idea untill you do it
We need to get Harry and Lloyd's tuxedos from Dumb and Dumber. I feel like this is a vital thing that is missing from our lives.
Did your grand seduction include learning to play careless whisper on a kazoo or was that just a hobby
i buy too many watermelons when I'm drunk
How's work going?
Boring. I have a cat on a leash right now
Randomize
