Did I tell you he has dinosaur sheets?
I just found out how hard it is to put together a fake Christmas tree with a hangover.
I woke up to her staring at me in a corner moaning over and over again about how good the pie crust tasted
he's wearing our apron and eating a pb and oreo sandwich. and calling the oreos "topless" since he took their tops off...
we made it to hole 3 and then just sat down on the fairway and finished off our case....cheered on other golfers as we let them play through.
Bering your kids um. Abiout tol. Throw up
But apparently I got kicked in the head by a stripper at some point
How do we turn this unicorn pinata into a bong?
The two girls sitting next to me are asking siri "Like, uh, how do you know my name?". Do I fuck with them or fuck them?
I used my yoga mat as a door stop so he couldn't come into my room when i was sleeping last night. Drunk engineering at its finest
For me the most fucked up part of last night was that I know for a fact that you were sober. But your dancing was a close second.
he drank half a bottle of bushmills, stood up to pee over the side, pissed his pants, sat in the puddle on the deck, told me my life goals were stupid and impossible, and wouldn't leave until 5am. by the time I got up at 8 I had 4 texts and 2 fb messages from him. AND HE STILL THINKS IT WENT WELL
The internet was right. Snorting muscle relaxers is awful
Wow. I want to climb Santa. You've made my mind go places I wasn't prepared to explore.
I had to break up with her. She was sending me study schedules and recipes for vegan lasagna. I’m just trying to survive man
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