at church Sunday morning I dropped an M&M down my dress and it landed in my bra. I fished it out and ate it. A lot of people saw me.
Is it sad I memorized the exact change required for a #7 at Wendy's?
Banjos are just sex machines. Like lights to moths, banjos are to hipster bitches.
ok this is the part where i go up stairs and pass out incoherently untill 6 30 tommaorw morning and not rember any of this. love youuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuu!
I'm pretty sure this all started when I found a vibrator in my mom's sock drawer and had my first orgasm when I was ten...
the awesomeness of being snowed in wore off after we ran out of beer and we realized we really didnt want to be stuck with everyone.
OMG the post office opened my dildo! "we sincerely regret the damage to your package"
as we waited for a manager to come open the door that we broke while having sex on the wall, we decided to go round two in the hallway before he came back.. god i love hotels.
My cab driver just suggested I brush my teeth because he can smell "the party" on me.
Woke up this morning with my period. Saw a commercial for the beginning of Shark Week. I see what you did there, Mother Nature. My pad's off to you.
It's always a good night until the penis tattoo makes an appearance
Jesus himself couldn't make a better sandwich
my night stand is a mini fridge, dont even try to get on my level of laziness.
You know if we weren't hooking up I think we'd actually be friends
Yeah, oh and the story gets better. His friend was dressed as a christmas tree wrapped in twinkle lights and had to plug himself in the wall all night.
Randomize
