i can't put facebook on my resume under hobbies.
I just jerked off and used a stopwatch to track my results. Pretty depressing on multiple fronts.
Listen, this was just a tiny lapse of judgement.
I'm pretty sure that's not a synonym for pregnancy.
If theres one good thing that came out of our relationship its this chicken recipe. And squirting.
the problem with having sex for lunch when its 98 degrees outside is that I can't tell if its sweat or semen running down my leg as I walk back in the office
thing about being the result of a teen pregnancy is that all my baby pictures are of my mom and dad holding me around their stoned college friends.
Please high five our old drug dealer for me please.
I raided the fridge drunk the same time dad was eating breakfast
as i sobered up i realized that her cute accent was actually a speech impediment
I have a sixth sense for dads free balling in gym shorts
My vagina is officially offended.
Honestly who turns down a free blowjob?
You drunk-dialed me and asked me to describe my burrito
OKAY THAT'S CREEPY AND I'D PROBABLY ACCIDENTLY ORGASM
I was totally going to fuck him and then his friend walked in brushing his teeth, whipped down his pants and started doing the windmill. Ultimate cock block
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