I had a dream that I had 21 friend requests. it was the best day
I just blindly shoved it in. I'm still not sure which hole I got.
i woke up with a wedding ring drawn on my finger...if this was vegas id be worried
peeing on that welcome mat was like, the highlight of my week
Let's learn from last year: Leave the handcuffs at home on St Patrick's Day.
I want you inside of me and on top of me and under me and behind me
Basically I need you to be like god, just fucking everywhere
"Functional." Your standards for how you feel after drinking are so high.
When your night starts by chugging margarita and drinking vodka out of tupperware, I feel it's best to stay realistic.
Just saw a man downtown with a cat just riding on his shoulder like a furry parrot. He may be homeless, but I think he's your soul mate.
That was a very uncomfortable conversation to have without pants on. But his mom was pretty cool about it.
In unrelated news guys should not ask what I'm doing/wearing if they can't handle an honest answer. I'm not pretending I'm not sitting on the couch in yoga pants watching Community so you can beat off.
I was wondering why are people staring at me til I realized I was bra-less with a lei around my neck
Like I owe him sex. Hell fucking no. I owe myself sex. With a celebrity. Or a clean pornstar. Who knows.
that awkward moment when you use blowjob jokes as a segue into coming out as bi
Like I wasn't going to make out with the hot Australian sitting next to me at the Portland blazer game?
Most people would agree that it IS in fact slutty to give someone head for free ice cream.
Randomize
