Tell me why Im cashing out of Walmart with Smirnoff and catfood
Before we started fucking, he laid me on the bed, and asked my what my sleep number was, so that i would be "comfy"
Whats the count minus fat chicks?
just woke up on my balcony. who won the super bowl?
Yes, you can 69 in a fiat. But I think I have permanent nerve damage
You're right. Single life welcomed me back with open arms. It's like it knew it wasnt going to be long when I left.
We just laid there in bed together, petting his dick and repeating, "IT FEELS LIKE VELVET!!!"
I walking on her passed out on her bed, clutching a burrito and the walking dead dvd on replay.
We watched Jurassic Park and they made me drink every time they saw or named a dinosaur. Do you know how many dinosaurs live in Jurassic Park? Lots.
I stole us four large rolls of toilet paper from the hotel carts. I feel like the breadwinner in this relationship
If you can handle my post-party look you da real MVP
Well supposedly when the cops came, they say I tried to get them in a conga line like Jim Carrey in The Mask. So....yea
She puked off the side of the cruise ship onto a newlyweds balcony table and they watched it all happen then they made her clean it up
he tried to have the "are we in a relationship" chat last night. I stuck my fingers in my ears, yelled lalalalalala very loudly at him and told him I would stop having sex with him if he ever tried that conversation again. bad person, or just being a realist?
Be there in a sec. We have to stop at Target to buy her underwear first.
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