my mom asked me how i could steal on a clear conscious and i told her it was because when i was younger she let me watch alladin and he did it.
I just wanna be some guy's midlife crisis
i think i just was awoken by the sound of my roommate choking on her boyfriend's dick
I told her we could be friends and she said the last time i told her that we had sex behind a bar at 4am
I mean we had sex in a crib. You tell me how my night was.
My only expectation is honesty. And three orgasms every time.
I will pre answer that I did not see it the fun way. He was peeing outside.
The typical response to someone smacking their vodka soaked hand on your face is not to put your face in their crotch
My dad sent me a 10 ft beer bong and my mom sent me ideas for future careers. I'll let you guess who my favorite parent is. Also, come over tonight. and bring beers.
I'm spending tomorrow doing taxes and making jello shots. Is this adulthood?
When you wake up, I have a unicorn coloring book, crayons, mini cupcakes, and booze.
The groom's brother was an accomplishment. Then I remembered he was also the officiant. Check and check.
holy shit the yoga instructor bought his baby pig to class today
Something I never want to forget. I'm in a porta potty and she is outside knocking on the door going "You're a queen. You're a queen. Never think any different"
You are cut off. Your giant penis and crazy awesome sex is ruining my body...
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