i just made out with my boyfriends father...and so did jess
you left with a lisa lampanelli lookalike... i hope she was atleast funny
Never eat 3 McGriddles and drink a carton of milk. It's like you're successfully killing self but you're alive.
i love how i spend my mornings exploring my phone to see what i did last night.
I told him to show me what he was made of and he came on my face. law students are so technical.
What do you want me to say to her? "Oh hey, I need to borrow your soon to be husband to make a porn, cool?"
Yeah? Well I'm currently predrinking downstairs in my room by myself. Absolut and water with a hint of mint because I'm using the glass I keep my toothbrush in. Fuck, you bitches better get off work soon.
I don't think the best pickup line was. Hey I have never made a girl orgasm before but I'm sure it will work on someone like you.
The maid moved your bed and found almost 40 used condoms and wrappers. She just looks at me and says "Dave?"
I dunno, there's just something so\ncomforting about having his penis in my mouth.
Are you trying to say I've made an emotionally well rounded transformation similar to the Grinch?
We have moved from phase 1: honeymoon, to phase 2: trapped in relationship until the cold embrace of death
I pack a first-aid kit when I DD for you. What does that tell you about your partying? For what I see and do, paying my food and gas for the night is a goddamn BARGAIN.
Wish me luck on my new penis adventure
I just want to eat chicken fingers and drink beer and smoke in bed with my laptop so I can watch Netflix
So your not doing THAT great with the break up then...
Randomize
