There is a bruise on my cock the size of a golfball. Bad sign.
Sonogram pictures belong on a fucking fridge...NOT FACEBOOK!!
She just said, "are my livers going to die?"
It just gets louder and louder too...dear god. Her poor vagina.
You convinced her to break up with her boyfriend, made out with her all night, got her to buy us all shots then went home with a different girl...
That explains the "i hate you" text. But the facebook deletion is a bit harsh
The usual, im laying out. Ipod on shuffle, Large spray bottle to cool myself of and a smaller one filled with chilled vodka. I can spray the vodka right in my mouth without even opening my eyes. THIS IS LIVING....
Trevor is horny so he just called me to tell me all the things that he would like to do with his future wife. That's a new one.
I have a vague memory of you tryin to ride a unicycle through jimmy johns
Whatever. That's why I am to be babied like a calf. I regret nothing.
You don't know how much I love you. You could play Careless Whisper while we have sex and I'd still love you
So here's a tip: don't give a blowjob the same morning you're going to the dentist. Cuz they will think you have "mouth trauma."
Do you think they manscape in the zombie apocalypse?
Vodka Red Bull is like your spinach if you were Popeye
Unless it involves a lot of whiskey, an ACDC concert, and a guy named Juan from the Philippines, then I'm not interested.
Is there a sexuality term for 'only wants hatefucks'?
Randomize
