I'm sorry I'm just not ready to become vampire yet
# days @ Coachella: 1 people i showed how to break it down: 279
I will also inform you that stairs change when you change a house. Those hurt.
I want to get laid tonight but my sheets haven't been washed since vomiting in them on Halloween :(
Hey man, did I leave the bottom drawer to my refrigerator that I had beer in at your house by any chance?
He screamed AMERICA, took a shot of vodka out of a Tupperware container, and then asked if he could see my tits
Got a traffic ticket on the way home.. Literally cost me $171 to give him a blowjob. I swear the officer could smell the cum in my hair.
I didn't think this needed to be said, but our sexts are an emoji free zone
So is it weird that I am super excited for my new captain america clit ring... Or is my crotch getting too patriotic
What's the policy on calling guys who have kids daddy...
I got St Patrick's Day drunk on Friday and apparently ordered a Total Gym in the middle of the night
He stopped me mid-blow job to say that his new year's resolution was to stop hooking up. MID FUCKING BLOW JOB.
Your mom has reinvented the use of a ping pong ball.
Why is there a trampoline for sale in my front yard?
You fucked him, didn’t you?
He showed up at my house with tacos, rum and a negative Covid test. Of course I fucked him. I’m just a simple girl that likes tacos, not Margaret Thatcher!
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