Then I opened the closet and then i found the babies
Your my favorite hello and hardest goodbye.
And I especially mean that last part, half the time you pass out somewhere and it is impossible to get you to leave.
It came up in court that I told the arresting officer my name was Thomas Jefferson, and I was born in 1776. I almost kept a straight face. Almost.
I don't want anything to do with the Darth Vader stripper babe. I'm just trying to make dreams come true.
I'm at home, drinking with my cat. While this is an enjoyable lifestyle, other plans are preferable.
I'm sorry. I just realized our 'big night out' ended up being you driving my high ass to get burritos and back.
That's some primal shit right there. My vagina is all like CONSUME HIM AND HIS FRUIT HE WILL GIVE YOU SONS!
He's texting from midnight mass asking for nude pics. Baby Jesus is spinning in his manger as we speak
He was stoned laying on my bed singing I'm a little tea cup while I took a pregnancy test. Thank god it was negative.
You gave my cousin a blowjob and are facebook friends with my mom. Is there a name for this level of friendship?
If you sleep with him I will stab you int the uterus with a pitchfork.
Prepare the pitchfork.
Don't mind me, I'm just walking 2 miles across campus with no jacket, covered in highlighter, and carrying a hair extension. Gotta love miami!
If you don't respond in the next 30min, I'm going to assume your in a sex coma, in jail, or dead... All of which I've become accustomed to, and will follow the appropriate channels of notification once you notify me.
sober me is not impressed with the quality of people that drunk me gives our phone number to
You really do take on your dog's personality she sounded like her pug breathing when we were going at it.
Randomize
