Currently looking for a new liver on ebay. Struggle.
I'm fucking him on the second date. I don't give a fuck what Patti Stanger says.
Why is there an empty beer bottle in the shower?
Why wouldn't there be.
I swear that when I have my own bathroom, I'm gonna lock myself in there and masterbate for at least 3 days in sheer appreciation of it.
8$ liquor pitchers. I'm gonna wear two or three pairs of underwear so when drunk me takes them off there'll still be a pair on.
wtf are you talking about? You vomit-splattered the cop from the balcony. The cop YOU called because you drunk-dialed 911 because a 5 year old ate the last donut.
it was a krispy kreme
Send me the picture of my mugshot, my boss got arrested last night and I'm trying to make her feel better.
judging by her collection of mens sweaters, shes fucked the entire lands end catalog.
I was making out with him, and then his friend randomly took off my pants and started going down on me. My first semi-threesome was a success.
I just showered sitting down with a sippy cup of water in there with me. It took 40 minutes. That hungover.
He just subscribed to one of my Spotify playlists. The next step is sex.
Gotta admit I did think about bartering you out to the gay guys for $20 and the dudes flashy neck scarf
I think my dove chocolate wrapper just told me to masturbate.
So none of you told me my tits were popping out of my shirt for three hours?
We told you. Repeatedly. You said you made it look good.
I woke up this morning fully clothed with a dart in my pocket
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