dude i'm inner monologue high
pretty sure i remember announcing that i lost my virginity to that brad paisley song when it came on during power hour?
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
new low: my hungover self just mistook bacon grease for mashed potatoes. worst. mistake. ever.
Im forcing mysellf to pee so i can fit more margaritas in me...
Dude, she literally stopped, mid fuck said "I want soup" got off my dick and make top ramen.
And I think short bridesmaids dresses are the best idea especially for bathroom sex
Your cat is quite the conversationalist after some tequila and shrooms
Apparently he proposed after he saw me chug vodka out of a traffic cone.
I am both excited and frightened by the fact that this much everclear is legal here. Best vacation ever.
If we accept the love we think we deserve do we also accept the sex we think we deserve?
Life Epiphany- I need to have children so I can be the drunk grandma at family functions. Its my destiny.
if you want to know how my night is going I just ugly cried in the cheesecake factory
My joke about liking my coffee like I like my men IS ABOUT TO COME TRUE.
There is a fake eye lash glued to one of my balls.
Randomize
