omg... punch me in the throat... I am about to lose my mind with my parents.. I'm not saying I agree with the menendez brothers.. but I understand
Pretty sure my dad just walked in on me jerking off watching guys on webcam. Remember how I used to say "most awkward day of my life?" I'm retiring that phrase.
it was like fucking the hulk in a smartcar
so i told him i have my period and he put his head by my vagina and said "I HATE YOU!"
You know, it's scary to think that someday I might buy a pregnancy test with pride, not at 2am...
Penises. Everywhere.
You're. Welcome.
hey, you wanna get together over coffee or something?
is this code for 'i just got broke up with and i need a sympathy dicking'?
how did you know?
i know you're upset so i should probs be supportive but i've got nothing in that department. your life suuuuucks
He pulled a kid having a seizure out of a car and stayed with him until the ambulance came.
he what???
Not kidding. My ovaries cannot handle this shit...swear next time he'll rescue a bunch of pound puppies and hand them out to lonely orphans.
My liver and my bank account can't afford another all nighter. Help.
I'm trying to seductively eat these M&M's to let her know its on
I gave him a BJ and he left. Coincidentally that's the name of my memoir.
I just sat watching friends in the bathtub by candlelight...nights like this make me wonder if I ever want to be in a relationship again
Apparently this establishment won't let you rent a sailboat if you have been drinking rum all morning
Like, bro, how do you think I got the idea to go sailing
just saw those girls we met the other night. i happen to be wearing a bunny suit and driving your smart car. i think its safe to say thats a no go situation.
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