my house keeper must think I'm a prostitute.
I haven't been this sober since birth.
What would you have done with a 40 foot neon parrot anyway?
i woke up with a wedding ring drawn on my finger...if this was vegas id be worried
you know it takes a lot for me to use utensils conservatively
Thinking about adopting a 16 yr old here. Her name is Abby and she likes vodka. We've bonded. I need a sober driver n e ways...
I ended up at these random girls' house they are smoking weed out of a gun
I literally paid cover, got kicked out. Tried to explain that I was just clumsy, but mispronounced it. Then I got pissed off, stormed out..and clotheslined myself on a velvet rope. How was your night?
Chang gave me a 1.5 gallon beer tasting cup, i have a new boyfriend with a huge stick, Members of the Irish Rugby team slapped my ass and cheered for firmness, and a couple of strangers are naming the child after me. Best. Weekend.Ever.
Please don't make me ever have to hear the words "the Queen's gynecologist" ever again.
Apparently I told him he would be good for human sacrifice.
My farts smell like burning tires and false courage
Pinterest knows I’m getting divorced
So her ex boyfriend came up a lot in conversation while I was fucking her. Is that weird?
Who the fuck has a conversation during sex?
Um, just removed my insulin from the fridge so that I could fit our case in there. Tell me, who has their priorities straight? THIS GIRL.
Randomize
