I overheard a kid saying to his mom at Walmart: "Mommy.. should we buy cups for daddy's spit?"
I'm drinkin whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
I think they can follow the trail of blood to my house if they have a problem with me taking a dip in their hot tub last night b4 stepping on a broken bottle
totally just got a week extension on my midterm by telling my prof that I had just found out I was adopted
I'm drunk at McDonald's in a fairy costume at 10 am nearly two weeks after Halloween. I don't think the Ohio State fans get it.
Way too stoned bro. Was laying down on my back and thought for a good 30 mins what it would be like to be a turtle stuck on its shell
The most humiliating part was that I farted while he was tasing me.
You know you're fucked up when you decide to pour fireball whiskey in your vegetable beef soup
My ultimate goal is to get laid wearing a horse mask... That would be awesome on all possible levels
I bought a vibrating wall dildo with my tax return. You?
I have this vague feeling that I was involved in a dance off with a homeless man?
Hey, it's all about finding the bright side. And boobs are definitely a bright side.
ALL I WANT FOR CHRISTMAS IS FOR YOU TO SHUT THE FUCK UP FOR ONCE
Ok so I'm not gonna ignore the fact that you had sex on a frat basement floor and spent the last 4 years wondering how you got HPV
The tamale guy is fucking with me, I wanna sleep in he wakes me up; early wake-n-bake and he's late and I'm hungry
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